


Remember My Name (I Won't Forget)

by Liyi



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Character Death, F/M, Inspired, Romance, Tragedy, Tragic Romance, i'msorrytheendingforthisisbad, kiminonawa, yourname
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2018-06-19
Packaged: 2019-05-25 13:08:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14977811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liyi/pseuds/Liyi
Summary: Jinyoung has always felt like there was something missing.





	Remember My Name (I Won't Forget)

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: The ending is crap since I didn't know what I wanted to do. Maybe I would write a real ending for it later on since I did have several ideas XD

_Will you remember me?_

_My name is..._

Jinyoung's eyes fly open as he grasps at straws to remember. He has to remember, he can't forget. He can't forget, he can't forget!

But it's already too late. As quickly as the name came it's gone again, like leaves blown away by a cruel wind. He's left with a longing for someone he can't remember, a name he can't recall.

Your name is...

Your name is what? _What is it?_

The panic claws at his chest, making it hard to breath and his mouth opens in a silent scream.

He wonders if he's the only one who feels this way.

  °°°

Jinyoung wonders if he's the only one who feels this way.

It was only after the past summer that the feeling that he was missing something crept up on him. Suddenly the world didn't seem as bright. Everything started looking dull in his eyes and no matter how hard he tries, he isn't fine.

"Maybe you need a girlfriend." Daehwi suggests hopefully. Jinyoung grimaces, certain that wasn't the problem. His friend frowns, pushing back. "Then what do you think it is? Face it hyung, you're just lonely."

"But..." He trails off, unable to rebut because Daehwi has started going off into a rant.

He's sure that he doesn't need a girlfriend. It won't fill the gaping hole he feels inside, because it isn't what he's searching for.

He knows it won't go away no matter how hard he tries.

°°° 

She won't go away no matter how hard he tries.

Hwari's a nice girl. Daehwi would only introduce the best to his favorite hyung, but she isn't it. She isn't the one he's searching for. She doesn't fill the gaping hole in his soul.

Hwari doesn't seem to understand no matter how far Jinyoung pushes her away. She's annoyingly persistent, and on a hot summer day he can't take it anymore and snaps.

"Just leave me alone! I don't want you around!" He hisses, and the girl flinches at his palpable anger. Hwari has only ever approached Jinyoung with the kindest of intentions. She could sense how lonely he was, and only wanted to help him

Somehow Jinyoung reminds her of a wounded animal who's lashing out in fear. His eyes reflect his conflicted emotions.

Hwari's still hurt by his words, but the resemblance makes her want to reach out. To reach out and soothe his wounds, to tell him everything will be all right.

Her hand raises cautiously as she waits to see if Jinyoung will bat her away. Despite the fear in his eyes as he glances warily at her outstretched hand, he doesn't do anything.

"It's okay... You'll be fine." She whispers out, hand settling on his cheek. There's tears in her eyes as she tries to comfort, and Jinyoung is lost in the deep brown of her orbs.

Large expressive brown eyes.

They vaguely remind him of someone, someone  _important_.

He doesn't want to look away.

°°°

He doesn't look away.

Daehwi's eyes are large and rounded in shock, and his jaw is hanging open while Guanlin doesn't seem to care as he eats his red bean bun.

It's quite clear he never expected this outcome and Jinyoung feels like wanting to smirk in a strange kind of victory.

He doesn't in the end.

"Really? You two are actually dating?!" Daehwi asks. Jinyoung nods in confirmation and his friend slouches in his chair in shock for a moment.

Daehwi smiles, "Hyung, I know I'm the one who set you up with Hwari noona, but I thought that nothing would come of it. I mean, no offense but you were like a zombie. It felt like some part of you died."

The words clench at his heart, and he forces a small smile as he scoffs. "Don't underestimate me Lee Daehwi. Now you see that I'm completely fine right?"

The younger nods. Jinyoung takes the moment to look away and drink his tea as he settles his emotions.

There's something uncomfortable clawing at his heart in protest, though he doesn't know why.

"Hyung, what made you like noona?" Daehwi asks curiously.

Jinyoung chokes on his drink unexpectedly and has to be saved by Guanlin who pats him on his back harshly.

After he recovers, and glares at Daehwi for laughing, he takes a moment to think.

What exactly was it about Hwari that made him like her?

The answer comes easily. "Her eyes."

"Her eyes?" Guanlin looks confused while Daehwi is smiling. Jinyoung nods. "Her eyes."

He goes on to explain, "I like her eyes. If you look into her eyes, you can see every single emotion she's going through. She's... easy to read. I like that about her."

"It seems that you really like her hyung. I'm happy for you." Guanlin says and Daehwi agrees.

Yeah I do. Thanks. The words are on the tip of Jinyoung's tongue but they're stuck in his throat, unable to escape.

And for a moment he feels like he isn't as happy as he should be.

°°°

Jinyoung knows that he isn't as happy as he should be.

After two years of being together, he's grown to love Hwari. But maybe not in the way he should.

The two of them have been through a lot together. They graduated from high school together, they're both studying at the same university and though they aren't living together, Jinyoung is over at her apartment so often they might as well be.

Hwari is a great girl. He can list off all her great qualities like a textbook, and the thought of her always makes him smile no matter how bad his day went.

He loves her.

And that may be the problem in itself.

He loves her, but isn't sure that he's in love with her. There's a difference between the two because you can love your friends and family, but being in love means that you commit yourself to that one person.

He doesn't know which way he loves Hwari.

It's most obvious one day when they decide to stay in and have a movie night.

They stay up watching all the new ones that have recently come out. Jinyoung leaves to use the bathroom for a moment, and when he comes back, Hwari has fallen asleep on the couch.

He smiles softly, gently tugging the blanket higher up on her body to keep out the cold. Then Jinyoung settles himself on the couch beside her.

She looks so soft and innocent like this. Her long eyelashes are pressed onto her cheeks, creating a shadow that spreads down her face. Her breaths come soft and steady, and warmth spreads in his chest.

An image flashes in his head, crystal-clear like a picture and he freezes.

 It's of a girl. 

She's laying on the couch with her cheek pressed up against the fabric just like Hwari, but he doesn't get a good look at her face before the images disappears from his mind.

He's immediately left with a hollow feeling. He's lost something he can't remember.

Jinyoung's trembling, his eyes are tearing up and he can't seem to breath.  _Is it you? Is it you I've been searching for?_

He knows it is, because in the split-second he remembered, it felt like he was home.

 °°°  

Jinyoung has come home for the holidays.

It's Chuseok and for the first time he's going to officially introduce Hwari as his girlfriend to his mother. 

It actually feels a bit strange considering that in the two years that they've been together, he's never introduced her to his family. Whenever they tried something always came up and it wasn't until now that the both of them were finally able to visit his mother.

 _Liar_ , his thoughts whisper and he feels shaken for a moment. 

"Jinyoung-ah, you okay?" Hwari asks, concerned at how pale her boyfriend had suddenly turned.

Jinyoung tries his best to smile and waves away her concern. "Don't worry, I'm fine. Let's go inside."

When the two enter their house, Jinyoung's mother is immediately all over the two of them.

"Aigoo, it's nice to finally meet the girl who Jinyoung is always talking about. Your name is Hwari right? What a pretty name for a pretty girl!"

She gushes on with Hwari while Jinyoung wonders into the house. It's been a long time since he's stepped in it's walls.

He looks over the many photos of himself scattered around the living room. Jinyoung sees himself growing up through the photos, and silently he wonders how it is that time passed so fast as he looks though the different frames.

There's one photo he takes notice of, a school field trip with his entire class back in high school. He's standing in the middle with a wide grin on his face, his uniform is messed up and his hair, oddly enough, is wet.

It's a image of himself he's unfamiliar with, Jinyoung can't even remember when it was taken or where. It's all a big blur to him and he doesn't know why.

But he must have been happy in that moment judging by his expression. He wonders why.

"Jinyoung-ah, let's eat dinner." His mother calls out, grabbing his attention for the first time in a while.

"Eomma you cooked a lot. How will we ever finish everything?" He questions, looking over all the food.

His mother has cooked a large feast, way too much for just three people to finish on their own.

"Don't worry. I'll hand out the leftovers to the neighbors. For now just eat your fill!" She assures, gesturing for the couple to dig in.

Hwari doesn't hesitate and begins to eat with gusto, making Jinyoung smile in amusement. All throughout their dinner, his mother is telling the girl stories of his childhood, but he isn't paying much attention until she says something that made him pause.

"Eomma can you repeat that? What you said about... braiding?" He asks, eyebrows furrowing as he tries to remember doing what she just said.

Jinyoung's confused, but most of all, he's scared. His mind is telling him to stop, to not push to know more. But his heart... his heart is yelling out something.

_What is it?_

"Don't you remember Jinyoung-ah? Back when you were seventeen, there was a period of time when you were obsessed with braiding rope together. You even gave me one claiming that it was good luck. Thinking back you acted strange during that time, you used to be so confused about everything. You didn't even recognise me at times." His mother chuckles in amusement as the memories.

Jinyoung's throat tightens, and his hands are curling into fists. He tries to keep himself composed, this wasn't the time to break down in front of his family.

So he quietly excuses himself saying that he's full, even though his plate is only half-empty. Jinyoung can sense the concerned looks their sending his way, but right now he can't be bothered. He flees to his old bedroom and locks the door behind himself.

Standing in the room, there's something about it that felt so unfamiliar. There's posters up on the walls of groups that he doesn't recognise, he doesn't remember when he got his old guitar and the walls are a light green color. He hates the color green.

It's odd how Jinyoung seems to notice all this for the first time and it makes him wonder why he hasn't all this time.

He ignores all of the confusion swirling around in his head and plops down on his bed. He closes his eyes.

Jinyoung doesn't understand anything that's going on. It feels like he's in a dream that he can't wake up from.

_Don't you remember me? Don't you miss me?_

His eyes snap open and he pushes himself off the bed. He makes his way to his desk and opens the drawer.

There, all by itself, is a bracelet. A red bracelet made out of different red strings. Braided together to form one.

_"It's a good luck charm! Good things should happen to you Jinyoung-ah, I believe it."_

The words echo in his head and he feels like he's about to cry. It's clawing at his heart and there's a void in his chest that shouldn't be there.

Slowly he takes the bracelet out, clenching it tightly in his fingers as he starts to cry.

"My name is..."

Your name is...

_Rian._

°°°

  


"Rian?"

"Yah Rian-ah!"

"Lee Rian are you ignoring us?"

"LEE RIAN!"

Jinyoung whips around, eyes wide in fear. There's two boys standing behind him, both looking slightly confused and upset.

"Were you ignoring us Rian?" The one with the big, sparkly eyes asked. Jinyoung gulps, unsure how to answer.

He wasn't trying to ignore them, he just had more important things to care about. Like how he ended up in the body of a girl.

He doesn't know how this happened, he just woke up today and noticed something felt off about his body.

There was a weight on his chest that wasn't there before and somehow he felt... shorter?

So he slapped his hands onto his chest in a sleepy daze. There were two lumps there that wasn't there before.

Jinyoung furrowed his brows in confusion. This felt... nice.

So he fondled the two lumps for a while before eventually opening his eyes. Even if he wanted to stay in bed, he had to get ready for school.

He got up of the bed, dragging himself to the closet with half-opened eyes, only to stumble back as he hit something that wasn't supposed to be there. Finally opening his eyes, Jinyoung noticed something.

 _Wait... this room looked..._  different?! 

His eyes snapped open as he finally noticed that the room wasn't his. Where was he?!

Hurriedly he moved over to the full-length mirror in the room to check himself out only to scream at his appearance.

He had boobs!?

°°°

Jinyoung had  _boobs_. And long hair with a pale face, large chocolate brown eyes, a narrow nose and pouty lips.

When had he become a girl?!

 _Why_ was he a girl? He was a male and had been for the last seventeen years of his life!

He was supposed to be the same sex as the two males in front of him but instead he was now in the body of a girl, and had to play the part of the body's owner Lee Rian.

"Um... I was just.. distracted! You know how it is, busy with school work and all. Hehe." He let out a nervous giggle and awkward smile.

As much as he would like to yell and scream that he wasn't Rian, Jinyoung knew people wouldn't believe him and would brand him as insane and put him away in a mental institution.

There was no way that was going to happen to him, so until he figured a way out of this situation he would just have to try his best to act as Rian.

"How long are you going to use that excuse? We already know you're lying." The other boy spoke up. He had a poker face on and felt a little intimidating, making Jinyoung take a step back.

"Woojin's right Rian. If there's something wrong you can tell us. You know we'll help you." The sparkly-eyed boy stated, eyes filled with concern.

Jinyoung could feel a lump forming in his chest and pain squeeze at his chest though he didn't understand why at first. He quickly realized that this wasn't his reaction, rather it was her reaction.

It was Rian's body acting this way.

Why? Was she actually keeping something from them?

Jinyoung's confused, but hides it under a smile. "I'm fine. No need to worry."

The two boys aren't convinced by the looks on their faces but let it go, slinging their arms over his- her(?) shoulders. This felt so weird realizing that he actually was in the body of a girl. Jinyoung shivers slightly and resolves to quickly get this figured out so that he can go back to his own body.

°°°

He doesn't get it figured out quickly.

Jinyoung's spent the whole day in this body and has even gone to the bathroom while in it because he just couldn't hold it in anymore. He had nearly went into the male bathroom before remembering that he was actually a female.

He cringed walking inside when a girl passed by him. He's so nervous that he imagined that they could see through him into the male within, but he got through it just fine, though a little traumatized by the whole ordeal. 

Everyone's looking at him weirdly, and it sets him on edge as he tries to get through the day.

Luckily everything seems to pass by without accident, and when he's back to the small apartment Rian calls home, he flings himself onto the bed.

Why did he bother to go to her university? Jinyoung should have just stayed home where it was safer. But unfortunately the girl had a project that had to be handed up by today and he wasn't going to let her fail because of him.

Sighing, he pushed himself off the mattress, looking around the small apartment as though it might give him clues.

It doesn't, not unless he actually bothers to look for it.

Jinyoung doesn't want to stay in this body for any longer, the faster he returns, the faster he can pretend this was all just a dream.

But he felt... so..tired...

Jinyoung was sure he had gotten a full night's sleep, so it must be that Rian had stayed up late the night before that made him so tired.

He just wanted to collapse onto the bed and sleep the day away, and it was quite a tempting thought.

Ugh, whatever. Jinyoung gave in, flopping himself back down. He could sleep now and figure things out later.

And with that he drifted off into dreamland.

°°°

"Jinyoung?"

He snapped his head up to meet Hwari's eyes, and his heart pounded harder in his chest.

What was he doing with her?

Jinyoung had never thought of himself as a cruel person, but right now he was just leading her on.

He couldn't love her. Not in the way she deserved.

Jinyoung knew he had to keep it to himself. They were with his mother, and Hwari didn't deserve getting her heart broken like this.

So he puts on a neutral expression and answers back, "What is it?"

"You seem to be taking a long time up here..." She answers, and he can tell that she feels like she's intruding.

Jinyoung softens and shakes his head. "I was about to go downstairs." He lies, moving towards the door and ignoring the pound of his heart that tells him to go back.

He quietly puts the red bracelet into his pocket.

Even though he tries his best, he can't stop himself from being distracted, and it was clear that his mother and Hwari notice by the way they keep glancing over to him in concern.

"I think it's time we go back Jinyoung. You seem tired." He can't bring himself to argue back and his mother tells him to go back and rest.

Once they're at the car, he moves to take the wheel when Hwari suddenly reaches out to stop him. "Let me drive instead. I don't think your in the condition to drive back."

Yeah, Jinyoung definitely wasn't. So he gives her the keys instead and takes the passenger seat instead.

He lays his head against the glass, watching as the scenery flashed pass the window.

_Rian. Rian. Rian._

The name repeats in his head like a mantra. Jinyoung doesn't want to forget, not like the last time.

So he closes his eyes, and repeats that name once again.

°°°

He watches the name on his arm curiously.

The writing is curly, but neat. Jinyoung doesn't know why he seems to like it so much.

_I'm Lee Rian. I'm in my second year of college studying film design. What about you? Who actually is Bae Jinyoung?_

It's the first writing he's ever gotten from her. He got the idea to write down questions on a piece of note-it note that he left on her bedside stand and it seems to have worked by the reply he's gotten.

Jinyoung knows writing on his skin is not good, to be honest he doesn't really understand why she didn't just write it on the paper he has laying around his room. But he isn't all that bothered that this could increase his chances of skin cancer.

In fact, he actually finds it sort of...cute.

And a shy smile blossoms on his face.

°°°

A smile blossoms on his face as he watches Hwari sing loudly to the song playing on the radio.

Usually she's a lot more serious while driving, but she knew he was in a bad mood and this was her way of trying to cheer him up.

"Yah, focus on the road." He scolded lightly, and Jinyoung rolls his eyes when Hwari sticks her tongue out at him childishly before doing as he says.

His chest feels lighter, and he knows who he has to thank for that.

"Thank you." He mutters, and Hwari glances over to him, confusion present in her eyes.

"What for?"

"Just... everything." I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

And like that, everything goes black.

°°°

Everything went black.

And when Jinyoung wakes up again, he's in his room, except this time it's not welcome.

Something's wrong. Something's terribly wrong.

One moment he had been fine, and then he started feeling faint. Recently it had been happening a lot whenever he's in Rian's body, but it was exam season and she had written that she was up late studying.

Rian always overworked herself and it worried Jinyoung to no end. 

He assumed it would go away after a while, and then his legs gave out and he hit the floor.

Jinyoung doesn't know what happened next. And that is what worries him.

They must have sent her to a hospital right?

If only he knew which hospital, but he at least knows that she's studying in the Seoul area.

It shouldn't be that difficult to find her.

°°°

It's extremely difficult to find her.

Jinyoung has been wondering around different hospitals the entire day to try to find her, but he just can't seem to.

Either there's no patient named Lee Rian, or it's a person with the same name. 

It's frustrating.

Jinyoung feels like tearing his hair out at this point as he sits down on one of the plastic chairs in the hospital hallways.

_Where is she?_

It's this one question that has plagued him ever since this whole thing started.

Jinyoung can't seem to remember anything about where she is.

Where her apartment is, which college she's in, even what year she's in.

It all eludes his mind, and he's tried so hard to ignore it out of fear that something would go wrong.

Something was wrong. Something was really wrong.

And Jinyoung felt his heart drop even more as he stared at his wrist, watching as words suddenly appeared onto his skin.

I'm so sorry.

°°°

"I'm sorry!" Hwari apologised again.

"Stop that. It isn't your fault." Jinyoung sighed out, limping into the apartment.

Hwari had been apologising ever since he woke up at the hospital. Apparently a car had hit them, causing their own car to flip.

Jinyoung had a concussion and a broken leg because of it, while Hwari came out relatively unscathed except for a few bruises.

She seems to think that the accident was her fault by how much she has apologised despite the fact that Jinyoung doesn't hold it against her.

He plods onto the couch while the girl goes to take the mail that has piled up in the meantime.

As he stares up at the ceiling, his mind starts to wander, bringing up the memories that he had pushed aside.

_"Jinyoung?"_

_"Huh? Who are you?"_

It was her. It was  _her_.

And he had... He said that he didn't know her.

Letting out a shaky breath, he buries his head in his hand. How could he have not recognised her?

Just thinking of her face, confused, upset and heartbroken, it breaks his heart in turn.

"Jinyoung, you have mail." Hwari returns, and he raises his head to look at her.

She hands him a white envelope. Immediately he gets a strange feeling.

_To Bae Jinyoung_

He... He recognises the handwriting.

It's Rian.

Heart pounding in his chest, he rips the letter open, eyes scanning the page.

_I know you're probably surprised Jinyoung-ah._

_Your probably wondering how I even know your address._

_The truth is, I saw you the other day. I was surprised, and even went up to you, but you... You didn't recognise me._

_I was really shocked. I didn't understand why you didn't recognise me._

_I followed you to your apartment and saw you with a girl._

_Your girlfriend._

_That was when I knew. You weren't my Jinyoung. ___

____

____

_I'm still not quite sure what's going on, but that's not the point of this letter._

_Are you worried about me?_

_I hope so._

_I'm scared. I'm scared that you won't care because you don't remember._

_I'm scared because I'm starting to realize that I may never get to see you again, to see Woojin and Jihoon again. I'm scared I may never get the chance to go out into the world and do what I want._

_You don't even remember how we actually first met, when I handed you that red bracelet. Maybe that was the start of the connection between us, when the Gods decided that we had to go together, only to be ripped apart._

_I wonder, why must they be so cruel?_

_I'm starting to regret everything._

_I wonder if I should have told you instead of hiding it. The first thing I did after getting my results was burn them so that there was no chance you could ever see it. I even hide my medicine in places I knew you would never look._

_I wonder what would have happened if you found out._

_But it's too late now isn't it?_

_All I can do is hope I make it out and can see you again._

_You will remember me by then right?_

_I hope you will._

_You will be able to forgive me right?_

_I'm sorry Jinyoung-ah._

_I'm so sorry._

°°°

Jinyoung remembered.

Sometimes he wishes he didn't.


End file.
